Tick Tock
by SyrupylikeBreakfastinMontag
Summary: Harry asks why Severus is really with him.  The answer he gets is unsettling. Harry/Severus Severus/Harry HP/SS SS/HP Contains slash and angst.


Tick-Tock

*Author's Note: Hey guys! I was in the mood for a little HP/SS, so I wrote this story. It takes place after the 7th book, but ignores the epilogue and Severus' death (you'll see how). Enjoy!*

Somewhere a clock is ticking. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

I want it to stop.

I don't want time to get in here, into this place, into this moment. I never want this moment to end.

Severus looks so different when he's sleeping: so relaxed. It's one of the few times he isn't scowling, and he looks much better without the irritated expression he usually bears, although even like this he isn't quite handsome. He has sharp cheekbones that could perhaps belong on the face of a good looking man, but his nose is too long and crooked and his features are too sharp for real beauty. I don't care, though. It isn't his looks that make my breath catch and my heart speed up at the sight of him.

Actually, I don't know what it is that draws me to Severus. After all, he doesn't exactly have a sparkling personality. He's moody, and snarky, and sarcastic. He's petty, and irritable, and has perpetually tormented me over the years. Yet he's irresistible. I can't stay away from him.

Maybe I'm just mental. After all, it doesn't exactly take a therapist to figure out that growing up with prats like the Dursleys fucked me up. Just Psych 101. Honestly, I find it hard to care why I feel like this. All that matters is that I do. All that matters is that I get to lie here next to him and examine his peacefully sleeping face.

I'm tired. It's so late at night that it's technically called morning, although I find that ridiculous. As far as I'm concerned, it isn't morning until the sun has come up. All I want to do is close my eyes, to slip into soothing unconsciousness, but I can't. If I fall asleep it'll be tomorrow, and who knows what tomorrow will bring. Right now Severus is next to me, nestled against me. Tomorrow he could be gone. I couldn't bear that, so I resign myself to wakefulness and snuggle into his pale chest, reaching out to trace one of the blue veins I can see through his wan flesh.

He's so thin. I can feel his ribs beneath my cheek, can hear his heart thudding in his chest.

Ba-bump. Ba-bump.

It's a soothing sound. I remember when I thought I would never hear that sound again, when Severus had been lying prone on the floor, Nagini's venom seeping into his bloodstream and silver memories trickling from his lips and the corners of his eyes like blood. I had thought my own breath would stop at the sight. People tell me I have a hero complex. I just think I know a lot of people worth saving, and I knew Severus was one of them. I couldn't let Severus die.

I ran forward, dropping to my knees next to Severus' still form. His breathing was shallow, too shallow. I hoped I wasn't too late.

"Where did she bite you?" I asked nervously, feverishly examining Severus' body for bite marks. I had seen the snake envelope him, had heard his pained cries, but I hadn't seen where Nagini's fangs had sunk into him. Severus' pale fingers curled around my arm, holding me in a surprisingly strong grip.

"Look at me," he breathed, prompting me to glance down at his pallid features. His black eyes were staring at me with such intensity, searching out my own green gaze. He was trying to get closure, trying to say goodbye. Now, looking back on it, I think he was probably trying to see my mum's eyes one last time. Either way, I didn't give him the satisfaction.

"Oh no you don't," I said, looking away from that dark gaze, "No giving up on me yet. Now, where did it bite you?" Severus' grip on my arm slackened slightly, loosening his hold on me.

"Arm," he whispered. I quickly reached across him and snatched his forearm, tugging back his sleeve to reveal two red puncture marks marring his milky white skin. With only the tiniest of hesitations, I raised Severus' arm to my lips and placed my open mouth over the bite, sucking sharply. Bitter, metallic blood filled my mouth, causing me to cough and splutter before hurriedly turning to spit the venom laced blood onto the cold, stone floor. I repeated this unpleasant process several times before Severus' hand squeezing my arm stopped me.

"Enough," he muttered, and I felt a simultaneous sting of nervousness that his voice wasn't stronger and relief that he could speak at all, "You have done all you can for me. Now I need you to take the memories and go. There are bigger things you need to take care of right now." I gave him a skeptical look. He really expected me to leave him when he still looked as though he was on death's door?

"I'll still be here when you get back," he muttered, "Now go. You can come back for me later." I gave him one last calculating look before nodding and getting to my feet, flicking my wand to summon the pool of liquid memory to me.

"I will be back. I will come back for you," I said firmly, meeting Severus' dark eyes straight on. I was making him a promise. I would survive to come get him. And with that I took off down the passage way I had snuck in by, leaving Severus weak, but very much alive.  
>I shake my head, clearing the memory. I don't want to think of Severus in distress like that. I can still hear that bloody clock ticking, counting down the seconds until morning will creep up and take Severus from me. I wish it would shut up. I don't want to think about tomorrow. I don't want to be alone again.<p>

I don't know why I had expected things to be different between Severus and me after the war. Maybe I thought it had just been Voldemort's influence that had made Severus bitter and angry. Maybe I though saving Severus' life would make a difference. Maybe I was just blindly hoping. After all, part of me has always known that there's more to Severus' anger than Voldemort's cruelty. He did go to Voldemort willingly, and not as a spy, not at first. There must have been darkness in him before becoming a Death Eater. Probably something to do with his bad family situation and being a social outcast. If you're constantly being told you're a bad child, an ugly child, and unworthy child, you start to believe it. You start to get angry. It's unfair, but it's not an excuse for all of the horrible things Severus has done. I wonder why I forgive him then.

Even now, he still treats me badly, taking petty revenges on me for my similarities to my father. After learning about what my father did to Severus and of Severus' jealousy of what my father had with my mum I better understand why it would be satisfying for him to take revenge on someone who looks as much like my father as I do, but I wish Severus could look past our similar appearances. I may share my father's face, but I do not share his little cruelties. I think deep down Severus knows that. I think he ignores that knowledge, though. I think it's easier for him to hate me because of my father than love me because of my mother, or even for my own sake.

I like to think he's capable of loving me for my own sake. Maybe I'm just deluding myself, but it's a comforting thought. I'm not going to give it up anytime soon.

I don't know how we ended up in bed together in the midst of all of this mess. I could come up with a million reasons for us to hate each other, like him tormenting me for years and my father tormenting him, but I can't think of any reasons for us to care about each other. Ok, well maybe I can think of a few, but I don't think Severus can. It feels like I'm the only one who cares here. After all, Severus is never tender with me, never affectionate. He always keeps his expression carefully blank around me, something being a spy for the Order taught him to do flawlessly. I wish he wasn't quite so good at it. At this point I would give almost anything for a glimpse of honest emotion.

Severus lets out a wheezy sigh and shifts in bed beside me. A pale hand reaches up and cups my shoulder, pulling me flush against him. I look up and meet Severus' groggy gaze, searching for a hint of emotion in those sleepy black eyes, but even half asleep his face is blank, devoid of any expression. He presses more firmly on my shoulder, silently pulling me up into a kiss. His tongue presses against the seam of my lips, and I immediately acquiesce to the pressure, allowing his probing tongue into my mouth. He tastes bitter, his breath laced with the sickly sweet smell of early morning, but I don't care. All I care about are his lips moving lazily over mine.

A second later he pulls away and sits up, jostling me out of my niche tucked between his chest and his armpit. He pulls the covers back, sliding out from between the sheets and swinging his feet over the edge of the bed and onto the floor. A sudden wave of panic overtakes me and I lunge forward, snatching his arm.

"Stay," I whisper, so softly I can barely hear myself. He shakes my hand off of him.

"I can't," he says flatly, getting up and beginning to gather his scattered belongings.

"Why not?" I ask. He doesn't reply, just continues to collect his clothes. I frown at his pallid back and he sighs, turning to face me. He walks over to me, completely unashamed of his naked body despite its numerous flaws. He reaches out to cup my chin between his bony fingers, tilting my face upwards so he can give me a sharp kiss. His hand releases my chin and slithers down my side to rest on the jut of my hip bone. I wonder if he thinks this will make me forget my question, forget my pain. I wonder if he thinks I am that stupid.

Finally he pulls back, and staring down at the floor, trying to contain my anger, I mutter: "Why are you here? Why do you do this with me?"

For a moment, nothing meets my question but silence. Then Severus mutters, "Look at me." The same words he said when he thought he was about to die. I tentatively look up at him and he stares into my eyes, into my bright green eyes, into my mother Lily's eyes.

"Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to," Severus says flatly before turning away and pulling on his pants to leave. I let him go. I had wanted to know how he felt, but now that I know, I almost wish I didn't. My eyes sting, there's a knot in my throat and it _hurts_. But no matter how much it hurts, I know he'll come back tonight and I'll let him in. He's cruel, and he's petty, and he doesn't love me, but he's irresistible. I can't say no.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

I surrender.

*Author's Note: Well, there you have it! I hope you enjoyed it despite the unhappy ending. Sorry for the angst and for making Snape be so mean to Harry, but I wasn't feeling a happy ending for this story. Please review with any comments or feedback; I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thank you so much for reading! :D*


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